Christmas time 2012 / Tammie Cope (Mother) Gifts bought, money spent but it just just not feel like Christmas this year. I walk into a store and just do not see Christmas. I can not FEEL it all around me as I should. I feel empty like a did when you first died. I feel nothing. I do not even have the tree up . We Went to get a tree from Lowes this weekend and there were none left so I guess it will be the old fake from from down stairs again this year. We will maybe go outside and decorate one of the evergreens outside bit the house will not smell like Christmas so it will not be the same. The house feel empty and I can not put my finger on it but it just does not feel like Christmas at all. I know that school it letting out last this year and that does not help much as it is nice to have the kids home a little before the big rush but there is something more than that.
Jeremie has put up some of the decor around the house but it just seems flat! I wish I had the money to take us all on vacation to some place warm this year. Just to get away from it all. To reboot and recharge. I know we all sure do miss you Brandon and things are not the same since you left us. You were a big part of this family and we are trying are best to make due. We have are days and things go forward but we sure wish they would have went forward with you rather than without you. Tension some days gets the best of us and sometimes we have to withdrawn from it as we think about the days with you and the heartbreaking memories we are left with. Life lessons, I know and they have taught us to take a step back, regroup and slow down and come back at it differently. So I guess we have learned a hard lesson. Thanks you and Codie thanks you! But tears come to our eyes when we start to make that mistake with him and have to step back and remember why we have to! We love you always and wish you a Merry Christmas Son! and I hope that here soon I can find my magic in this Christmas! <3
This is something Brandon wrote I found online! :) / Tammie Cope (MOTHER) Legend of Bad
By Brandon Cope
Category: Student Examples
The mask of the Gods is the world's most powerful mask. The Gods must now choose one person to have the mask for all eternity. The powers are deadly if used wrong. If the powers are used right you can turn into anything in the world and the Gods mean anything. It holds powers that are beyond mere mortal belief. The thing you think you need to be, you are. Where you think you need to go it takes you there. All hope for the two worlds now lies on the finding of the one person that is going to be the chosen one. The one that can see both sides of the story. Now the choosing begins. The Gods have only twenty-four hours to find their mortal to complete the cycle of the mask.
An alarm went off, "RINGGGGGGGGGG," Bad woke up to see a heavenly figure standing in front of him. Somewhat started, Bad opened his mouth ready to say something when he heared a voice start to speak.
"BAD do you remember me? I am the goddess of birth," spoke the heavenly figure. "My name is Doe. You are not dreaming this. Please listen to me and we will get this over with quickly."
"All right, what is it that you want from me? Am I dead or going to die?" Bad questioned. Bad pinched himself to make sure that he was not really dreaming the figure he was seeing in his room. He could not believe that he was seeing what was there. He rubbed his eyes and looked again, only to see her still there getting a little upset at his actions.
"No, you are not dead nor are you dying. You're the Gods? chosen one. You know the one from the stories you were told as a young child? The tales you sat by the fireplace and listened to? Where at the end of the tale they always said, 'One day the world would need a man to help the Gods out. A person who has great strength and understanding.' Do you remember those tales?" Doe quizzed him.
"Yes, Yes, I do, but they were just stories, fairly tales, myths, right? What does this have to do with me? Why are you here in my room telling me all this? I am just a young man trying to live a clean, good life," Bad expressed, looking around to make sure that his buddies were not playing another trick on him.
"Once again, YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE, GET IT? You, Bad, have been chosen to take the mask and protect both worlds from the uproar that is upon us. The Gods only have twenty-four hours to get you up to shape. You have to come with me now so that we can get started. Please get dressed so that we may go," Doe stated.
"All right, All right, would you explain to me what it means to be the chosen one and how in the heavens I am it?" Bad, starting to get dressed, asked.
As he pulled on his clothes he heard a loud noise from above. It sounded like a thunderstorm was starting outside. There had never been a thunderstorm here before. Ever. So why now? Bad hurried his dressing. Doe reached for his hand and the two of them were off for the Great Hall of the Gods. In a blink of an eye they were there. Bad looked around in amazement. "What have I done to get here?" he thought to himself. It was a place that looked like a dream. Clouds all around. It looked like there was no ground and no ceiling. Just clouds everywhere. Big colorful clouds.
Doe looked around and yelled out, "Okay I have done what you sent me to do. I will go now." Looking at Bad with a smile, she said, "Good luck and may your heart guide you."
Bad stood there by himself in pure fear now. "What is going on here? I am here, but I do not understand what I need to do. Am I who you are after or did Doe make a mistake? I tried to tell her that I could not be the chosen one. Hello, is anyone there?" Bad yelled out.
"YES, WE ARE HERE, AND NO, DOE MADE NO MISTAKE," someone answered in a loud manly voice. In a quite voice a little more than a whisper, Bad thought he heard, "I hope that is the right one this time."
"What? What was that you said?" Bad could not make out the other voice. Maybe he just heard his own thoughts.
"You have a great opportunity here to become more than a mere mortal. You have a chance to become a legend. One that will go down and be told for eternity," the voice spoke. Out of the clouds walked a large troll looking thing. He was not quite human in form but close. He was weird to look at. He was quite scary looking. "I am, Organot, the god of Hopes and Dreams. I will be your trainer in your next part of your journey. You need to listen and do what you feel is right. Follow your heart and all will come to you."
Now Bad had heard this twice in the last few minutes. " What does it mean, Listen to your heart?" Bad asked Organot.
"You will see and understand when the time is right. Come with me. We will start in the mask room. Here you will see nothing but what you are looking for is in there. If you are the true chosen one you will find what you need to in this room," Organot explained. Organot reached out for Bad so that they could move to the mask room. Bad followed, looking at the clouds with different colors and what looked like a little worm sitting on a green leaf looking cloud. Bad thought that this must have been the voice that he had heard after the loud voice had spoken. Bad could not see the others that were there but he felt their presence. He felt strange, like many eyes were on him. They entered a smaller room that had nothing on the walls, but it had walls unlike the place where he had just come from. He looked around and heard something.
"Bad, Bad we need to start your training. You will need to learn to protect yourself first. We have many ways of teaching you what you need to know. When we are done in this room we will get started. We must start here and then we can start working on your skills so that you can move onto the next level," Organot explained.
"Wait, hold on now. Doe said we only had twenty-four hours in which to find your chosen one and get me ready for what ever it is that you need the chosen one, me, to do. How can we work on skills and such with such a short time window? What is that noise I keep hearing?" Bad asked. A high pitch noise that almost sounded like a little girl screaming kept going off. But it seemed that Bad was the only one that could make out the sound.
"Bad you hear something? What is it that you hear?" Organot almost jumping up and down asked.
"You heard it too? What is it?" Bad questioned.
"No, I am sorry but I can not hear anything but the two of us, but what is important is that you do right? Follow the sound and find what is calling you," Organot told Bad.
"Okay, it is telling me to go to the blue wall. Where is the blue wall? I do not see a blue wall," Bad, looking around, asked.
"I cannot help you here, you have to find what you are looking for," Organot sighed.
Bad looked around the room and started to see the walls turn different colors. It was like a really bad dream he had once in his childhood. He saw the blue wall and heard more noise coming from that area. He was not sure what to do. Bad walked up to the blue wall and stood there looking at it. Just then, right before his eyes, this strange, small face started to appear. He kept watching and the longer he watched the more detailed the face became. The colors and the details started to come out of the mask. What a wonderful looking thing he thought. Was this what he was supposed to find? Bad's heart skipped a beat. He could not move from that spot. All of the sudden it started to speak to him.
"Bad take me into your hands and place me on your face. Let me show you the way, I am your calling. Together we are going to change things forever. Are you ready? Your calling awaits you. Come to me Bad," the mask said to him. Bad moved back and then moved closer. He looked around the room. He was no longer alone. He saw more than a hundred different creatures standing behind the open door, all waiting for him to move. Bad took the mask into his hands and a ray of light shot out from it. He placed the mask on his face and in a flash he had memories of a lifetime, running through him. He saw what it was to be a LEGEND of the times. He saw so much that he felt light headed.
"He is the chosen one," a very loud roar came from behind. The Gods all yelled out with happiness. Cheers were heard throughout the land. So many voices that Bad could not make any one voice out. He looked through the mask and saw things that were not there before. It took a few moments for his brain to process all that was going on.
"What is this, I am really the chosen one?" he asked himself. He heard a small voice from deep down inside himself, " YES, YES you are." It was the same voice he heard from the mask. "We are one now, my knowledge is now yours. We will be together forever you and I. I will show you the way and we can teach the two world to live together." The mask went on to say.
My grandfather always told many tales but this was the best, the details he knew made it a great story to listen to. As my Grandfather sat there telling us this tale by his fireplace, I looked up and saw the mask on the hearth start to glow. I swear I saw it smile. I jumped to my feet and pointed to the mask on the wall. I said, "Look at the mask. It is glowing." I never knew such a loving and giving man and now I know why, he was not just a man, he was THE LEGEND OF THE MASK. Everyone just looked at me as if my Grandfather had put me up to this to make his story. Was I falling for the old man's tale too or was there something to what I saw? My Grandfather winked at me. I guess this was something he needed to let me in on. But why? I would soon find out?
The End or is it just the beginning...
Edited for punctuation.
those times when a mom just won't do! / Tammie Cope (mom) As moms go I'm a pretty good one I like to think. I listen and I am there for you boys. I try to be there for all the big and even the little thing things. I make it a point to go to all the games and even the practices of all the sports you all play. I went to the plays or boy scouts or band/orchestra/choir events. I am an ATM and a maid and bounce board for your bitch sessions and even your private driver for where you need to go. BUT I guess I can not be the brother that was lost, the hero, the one who someone came to when all fell apart, when nothing made sense in his world, when the world was chaos. Now as the hormones are running wild through his body and girls are turning his head where THE HELL ARE YOU when he needs you the most? YOU SHOULD BE HERE so that he can talk to YOU! he need YOU. HE needs to talk to you. I can not be the one to tell him that is normal to feel the wa he is. That he is normal, he is not a freak, that all young boys go through this. You needed to stay here and show him the way as only a big brother can do. His grades are dropping and he does not give a damn. He could care less what I say. College does not matter to him right now. He does not understand this is not the time to screw up. That time has past. 7/8 grade was the time to do that. Not 9 grade not the honors program. Not at West as his is in a program on probation on grades.He could use insight form someone like you to understand the importance of grades. As it got you the UAA scholarship with your 3.666 but the way he is going he will have to be taking some online classes and maybe summer school to make up some of his GPA. I know he misses you and Jeremie is in his own world with Emma and his Hockey training so that he can tryout for UAA and the brown bears. He forgets that Codie he having a hard time and that Codie just might need him more than Emma and MAX(Emmas little brother). Codie does not have many friends and it kills me to see him without here to guide him down a path that I know that would help him. You should be here to help him, to show him that he is a good kid that can make GREAT decisions but needs a little direction to make them. I understand he needs to find his own way and IS a teenager but I am a mom and WILL worry. That is why U should be here to help take the worry away but you aren't and that sucks! This whole thing suck! I can't fix your death and I can't fix him being alone in all this right now. All I can do is be here and hope that he knows that Jeremie is there if he needs him and I WILL ALWAYS be there for him.
I know that his girlfriend just broke up with him and that may have bothered him, but they were not dating that long or went out on but one date. She seemed nice enough but he is a hockey player for the school and if he wanted to can date plenty of girls. He is a little on the lazy side and just sits in that room of yours. Remind me of you as he will just sit in there for hours and I will have to remind him to do his homework EVERY NIGHT!!!! He is growing so fast, he has grown 4 inches in the last few months. He is taller than me now. He
Teenagers/ Tammie Cope (mother) So we went to your sign and as I was looking at the crash site I could not understand how YOU could not see the raod. How was it that you could not see the highway from the rail? how did you miss the camper that had passed by right before the car that had hit you? how did you not go off on the trail that your brother went off on? why is it that teengers avts like dumbasses when there are more than one of them. you were racing and you were not paying attention and the end result was that you paid with your life. I would have to say that was way to high of a price to pay for such a mistake. Does not seem fair that such a thing would have to happen to such a smart and wonderful kid like you. You were smarter than that. That dirt road was long and I just do not get why the hell YOU did not see the road just as much as I do not get why Daisy the driver of the car that hit you did not see you coming and did not at least pput on the brakes. I mean she hit you going 60mph. She did not even but on the brakes for heavens sake. She hit you going 60 with not brakes until hit you. I get know you BOTH made a mistake but what the HELL wre you thinking son? WE need you here. You were crazy for riding that fast and doing that with Dale. Why were you not taking care of yourself and THINKING!!!!! ??????? You left US all here with a holw in our hearts because of a stupid mistake and we all have to pay for that mistake. It is just not fair. I am so pissed off that you rode your bike that fast and did not think about what could happen to you and what it would do to others if you were gone. You were selfish that day Brandon. You knew better than that. You knew there was a side trail you knew I was scared that day you knew to be careful YOU knew how many people depended on you but you choose to drive like an idiot and get hit by a car that day. You made a mistake that none of us could ever help you change and that really REALLY suck. If I could change it I sure would. I would do anything for you. You were just a teenager doing what teenagers do stupid things does not mean that you should have had to pay with your life. It was just a mistake and it is not right that you had to oay the way you did. I miss you my son and going to the crash site I was so made at you but still so heart broken that a simple mistake had to take your life becasue that road really doea not see that much traffic so really the odds of you getting hit were a million to one so I guess since we are the ones that believe that everything happens for a reason.......... What is the reason my son????????????? I will ask you what happened when I cross over after I hug you. I love u BSC always no matter what happened that day. oasis bird dust in your eye did not see the road racing Dale (Which I know but....) Crossing the road heartbroken didn't see the road chicken what?????
changes/ Tammie Cope (mother) In this life everything changes. We think that we can handle it all but when you died I never thought that I could get through it but here it is three and a half years later and I am still going on. Living life. Not the life that I want but still living. I hear songs on the radio that make me think of you and I cry I see a movie on TV and I Cry. I can just be sitting all by myself and a thought of you will just drift in and I will just start to tear up. I miss you so very much each and every day. It hurts my heart to think of all the things that we are doing without you and that you are not here to do. It is not the life I wanted to have here without you. This is not what I wanted. I never choose not to have you in my life. I wanted you before I even meet you. I figure with changes there should be something that makes some sort of sense but it does not always have to.
Now my middle son is growing up to be man. A fine one with his own tude that needs to be toned down a bit but that will happen with time. He had a fine plan all set before him that I was so enjoying because it meant I got to keep my son here with me for a few more years and I could see him and not have to "lose" him too. He was going to go into the electrical program with the IBEM apintis program. They pay him for it all but then last night at hockey he gets this card for a college hockey program to play hockey from a scout and it all goes out the door. Chiago IL to play with the Eagles. Wow I mean it is great but that means he would leave us and be SOOOOO very far away from home. I'm just not sure how he will do in college. I know he would be great in hockey but the school part I worry about. He was so damn excited when he came home and gave me the card and I tried to stay as positive as I could. I would miss him so much I know Codie would just not know what to do with himself losing another brother so soon even though he would still be able to see him and talk to him. Hell I would even send Codie out to visit him and see some of him games just to make sure Codie knew there was a bond there. I'm just a little scared as I think most moms are when there kids head of to college or are planning on it after they have lost one child. It is hard. I had this idea of having him around for years and now he ups and does a uturn.
I can imagine when Codie heads off in 4 more years. I will really lose it. I will have the biggest empty nest symdrome there ever was. I'll have nothing to do with myself.
my heart is screaming / Tammie Cope (mother) All I have left are my memories of you and those get scrambled sometimes and I just want to run screaming. All I want is my son. My Brandon. If I'm having this problem I can only imagine that Codie is too. Meibe that is why he is getting to be so moody. I mean beside the teenage hormones. It has to be scary. All we have is what is in our heads and we hold on so tight to those little things but as we grow and learn new things sometimes to make room for that new stuff the old stuff gets pushed aside in a little dark corner. I feel like to am losing Brandon all over again as I try to remember the sound of his laugh or the way he smelled or the way his voice used to sound when he come through the front door when he was excited about something. Or even when we would fight and he would get so made he would yell at me it is getting harder to remember that voice and yes i want to remember that voice too. I want to remember ALL of him. Not just the good but all of my son. What made him who he was. The goofy funny loving short fuzed kid I love and miss every day I'm here on earth without him.
So what about this? you can't talk about it. Well you can but it does not make Brandon's personality smell voice and love come back into your life. How do you keep that in your heart? how do we make sure that Codie does not lose his brother? I see it in his face as well in mine we worry about. We have photo's of Brandon and know he is with us. We talk about him so that Codie will remember what kind of person he was but Codie was so young we Brandon died. How much will he keep with him? he was only 10 when he lost his brother. There was almost 8 years between them. They were so close. Brandon would have done anything for Codie. He would give up girl time just to sit and play games with Codie. He knew Codie needed him. He was a good big brother. I think that is why their bond was so strong. How do I protect that? How do I help my one son keep his brother in his heart and mind? I wish I was one of the weird moms that would have video recorded my kids as they were growing up so we would have stuff to show him now but I was the photo mom. when I did record stuff I alway got the ceiling and floors. :( not good. LOL But at least I have lots of photos and we can talk about Brandon and keep him in Codies and my heart. We may not remember what he smelled like but we will always know he loved us and we loved him with all our hearts. And funny things happen with smells: someone someday will walk by and trigger our nose and we will have a memory of Brandon and that will be a HAPPY day!
I'm thankful for the time we had / Tammie Cope (mother) As I look back I'm thankful to have had you in my life even though it was just for a short time. I got to know and love you. I got to watch you grow into a fine young man. I got to see you hurt love crylearn struggle experiment developstart school as I cried that first day play hockey soccer ref for hockey I got to learn about being a mom and a wife. I got to learn about being a teacher and nurse. So many new things when I gave birth to you. So many firsts with you. I never thought I could love someone or something so much until I had you. You were such a bundle of joy and love for me. When the world was hard and nothing was going right all I had to do was look at you and just hold you to calm me down. WE had such a connection as mother and son that no one could take away from us. We trusted each other like no other. It was sometimes an unspoken thing but we knew it was always there. No matter how much yelling that might have been going on we knew that there was always a bond between us. I still feel this bond even though you have passed on to the spirit world. I miss you so very much and I can not forgive myself for not coming to you sooner when you where lying there that day. For not just putting you in the truck and taking you to the hospital ourselves. But I know when it is someone's time it is just their time. There is really nothing that can be done about it. Because why on an empty road would this have happened to you on this day? But Brandon I'm so very glad that I got to know the person that you were the fine old soul that you were from the time you came to me. The challenge that you were and tried to be from the time you were born. I loved you then and I love you still. You will always be in my heart and now in my memories. I love you my son! I'm thankful for the time for we had!
it has been 3 years where has the time gone? / Tammie Cope (mother) Oh Brandon how the time has just gone by but not without us thinking about how things would be so different with you here with us or how you would look or what you and Frankie would have done with your relationship. Life has been hard some days with Codie and Jeremie going at it without having you as the big brother here to get in there and protect Codie and to help them find their way. I hate when they fight so much I just want to go hide when they get into it. Sometimes I want to scream but then I just sit there and try to let them work it out but that does not always work cause Jeremie is so much bigger and can hurt him.
Much like you with Jeremie. Brandon it hurts to think that we are missing you for so many big events in your brothers lives. Jeremie is going to be a senior this year he is going to be a football "star" he says. lol! Codie is going to be something other than a bulldog for hockey.
Brandon life without you has been hard and I am having a hard time learning to deal with all that. Some days are a lot harder than others. Even though three years have passed by I still feel this void in me that I just can not get over. I miss you! your younger brother always wants something and I just feel used sometimes.I do not think I really ask for much but some days it is a fight to get anything done. Much like when you were this age I guess but then when you turned 17 things changed and I thought that maybe it would happen with him too but it has not but maybe that is because you had not much time left in our lives and we had to have some good at the end. :) some peace and happy times with you and your dad. Oh how I miss that around here with you and your dad. I think that is what was so hard when you died is that you had started to change so damn much and then you were just taken from us. That is just not fair. That angry little boy/teenager was becoming such a wonderful young man and we all feel so robbed that we did not get to enjoy that growth and learning that you were making.
I miss my son and my friend! I miss being able to talk to you and hear what you had to say. I miss our drives in the car and the talks. I miss hearing about your day and I miss seeing you. You would think after three years that my heart would not hurt so darn much but it does. It is a softer hurt than when you first passed away. I do not cry all the time just every once in a while. Right now this week when I think that it has been three year I just want to go back to that day and change it all from the time we woke up. Or never have gone camping at all that weekend. Just change that day so that we would have not lost you that day. I hate that day I wish you would have just followed Jeremie to the trail. Why or Why did you not see the road? why were you driving so fast? why did you have to die?
I miss you my son! I miss you my friend!
Like the Rain / Babie Girl (Soulmate) I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
Every thunder cloud that came was one more I might not get through
On the darkest day there's always light and now I see it too
But I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
I hear it falling in the night and filling up my mind
All the heaven's rivers come to light I see it all unwind
I hear it talking through the trees and on the window pane
When I hear it I just can't believe I never liked the rain
Like the rain I have fallen for you and I know just why you
Liked the rain always calling for you I'm falling for you now
Just like the rain
When the cloud is rolling over thunder striking me
It's as bright as lightning and I wonder why I couldn't see
That it's always good and when the flood is gone we still remain
Guess I've known all along I just belong here with you falling
Like the rain I have fallen for you and I know just why you
Liked the rain always calling for you I'm falling for you now
Just like the rain I have fallen for you
I'm falling for you now just like the rain
And when the night falls on our better days
And we're looking to the sky
For the winds to take us high above the plains
I know that we'll find better ways to look into the eye of the storms that will be calling
Forever we'll be falling
Like the rain I have fallen for you and I know just why you
Like the rain always calling for you I'm falling for you now just
Like the rain
This song reminds me of you the way every rain drop does as it falls softly against my cheek. my love my life you are always in my heart and on my mind.
who decides / Tammie Cope (mom) faith "god" the person is there a choiceor is is random? I wonder this often as I meet new families that have lost a loved one that has past away. When it is some ones "time" does it matter the event that takes place? Whether it be a small event that takes our loved one or a major one it does not lessen our pain that they our gone from our lives. It does not lessen the questions of why it happen to them or if there was something that we could have done to stop the event . The ones that are left behind are the ones that are in pain and suffer not the ones that died. We all know that death is something that is. The thing we do not know is that mothers and fathers have to feel this pain for the loss of their child way more then they should do to horrific events in life. Parents should truly never have to bury their children. This event changes a family.
So who decides? I have seen movies and cartoons where faith has it written for everyone. That everyone has a destiny. I used to believe in Karma and maybe I still dobut for Brandon to die like he did was not Karma that was harsh.
God? If it is god why are there still borns? or cancer? or retarted kids? or murders ? or why is there such painful deaths for children? he god that cruel?
The person? If it is the person is it only after the event has happened that they chose due to the pain they are in? Or because they see the other side as a happy peaceful place full of love and what they want? or is there even a choice for them?
Take Brandon's and Colton's events. one was hit on the road that not too many people drive on going that way on a Friday he was wearing a helmet and it was a clear summer day and could be seen for miles the other one was shot at a party at 230 in the morning he was one of the only ones that was not drinking at the party. So he had a clear head when the bullets went fling through the walls and was trying to save his drunk friends. no one else was killed but him.
whether it be their "time" to go or "god" is calling them home we all have the loss we have to deal with here on earth. WE have to figure out what to do with out this loved one now that they are gone. Nothing makes sense to us any more and the world just keeps on moving on like nothing ever happened. Sad thing is that something did. We lost a big part of our family our hearts and our love. We lost our son our friend and our kids brother.
YOu & Me / Babie Girl (Soulmate) You & Me
Is it meant to be or just a dream
Is it make believe or as real as you and me
What is it that torments me so
One day its here the next its gone
Why why does it hurt
why does it pulse through my veins like life giving blood
why is there a part of me that wants that craves that needs it so
What is this pain i seek this pain that brings so much pleasure
This hurt that burns to be apart of me as i urn to be apart of it
What is it? Somebody tell me please
Is it real as real as you and me
If its real where do you find it
why does it leave
why does it crumble at the thought of me
Is it me? Am I the reason this wonderful bliss turns to searing pain in an instant
Why why cant it be real why cant it be for me
why cant there ever be a love like you and me
Why Why did you have to leave
leave me in this world alone
What is there left for me
but emptiness and grief
Ive tried to love to cope with loss
but it all fades away and all thats left
is you and me
But where do I find me?
Where am I? How do i find me?
You left with emptiness in your wake
And all that is left are pieces
that everyone just wants to throw away
What do I do? How do I feel?What is really real?
How do i live in a world that doesnt have you?
because with out you there is no me
that fills whats left of what used to be
Forever & a Day
Hold me close as we fall asleep
Smile laugh whisper those sweet nothings
"Babie girl I love you so if it were up to me id never let you go"
"Your mine and im yours forever we will be"
Forever is no longer an eternity
Forever is just a day a day that never goes away
that never fades with time a day for you and me
Like the day I kissed your cheek
an unspokened bond that announced we were meant to be
Or the day we went to prom we danced all night
but the best part was the look you gave me after i put my dress on
Forever is just a day but not just any day
Its a day spent in the sun just you and me sippin sweet tea
A Lazy day in bed just you and me the music pulsing through everything
Forever is a day that will always be
Always and Forever like you and me
A Quote / Codie Cope (Little Brother ) "Life is like a box of chocolates..." You were the first chocolate to be eaten saying the first to pass in my life one after another these chocolates will be eaten until there is us and then it will be us that will be eaten. We never know how big this box of chocolates will be or how many chocolates will be in it. We have yet to know how big these chocolates will be and still we won't know what kind of chocolates they will be. There is no algorithm to find out about this box of chocolates all we know is it is there. Surrounded by a bunch of guilt locked up so we do not know who they are. They will come and go by the wim of the wind. adding more chocolates and flavors. somebody has the lock but nobody knows who that man eating the chocolates is he is as quick as lightning how I know is I let my bother go later than I did and arriving at the cabin he was dead like that. That day was like getting hit with and oversized wrecking ball. Like that chocolate was removed from the box and eaten. I tried to say good bye but it's like trying to avoid an elephant in a room. We all know it's there and yet we try to avoid it. We think about that elephant all day but never talk about even though it's trying to come out to run free. Not all people know about it but I do. We live on with life carrying that burden of the elephant in the room. We watch as more and more chocolates get taken from the box but can not do a thing about it. Just hope that our box stays safe for a while as we recover from the last one that was eaten. We understand others that have lost and that makes us more kind in some ways I guess. BUt in others it pushes us away from the world that we can be in as we fear that man eating the chocolates. But it does kind of teach us to love what we have for as long as we have it because you just never know I guess.
Will i ever be whole? / Babie Girl (soulmate)
Will i ever be whole again? will i ever not be broken? why do stupid little things hurt so much? why cant i deal with it? i should be ok.this shouldnt bother me. but it still hurts. and i dont know why.i hate co dependency it never goes away i just want it to stop. to stop hurting to stop being confusing to stop following me around like a shadow that wont go away.i dont want to be like this anymore. please just how do i get rid of it. i should be ok but im not.i know he loves me but when he makes plans and then breaks them it hurts inside like a pain i cant describe. and its so stupid i should be able to be ok with it. its not like he didnt have a reason he has stuff to take care of and i know hes frustrated.. i just dont get to see him that often and i miss him so much. i just dont want to be alone. i just want to be loved and i know he doeshe loves me more than anything and it shows whenever hes around but when hes gone its like theres parts missing. i just hate being alone it hurts so much
Lost/ Babie Girl (soulmate)
Bran I dont know what to do i feel like i keep losing everything. it keeps slipping away before i can pull it back together.i dont know what to do anymore. i need help. im counseling my ex on his screwed up relationship with a girl that wants me dead.and trying to make him feel like hes not worthless. im trying to be a grown up and make grown up decisions when i still feel like a little girl. my cat keeps peeing on the couch and blankets i dont want to get rid of her but shawnas seriously hinting at it and i dont know if i can. shes old and ive had her for so long. i dont want her to go away.i love her. shes my baby.but i cant deal with her peeing everywhere. its driving me nuts too. i dont know what to do.i wish u could hold me right now whisper in my ear that everything will be ok. please just tell me wat to do.tell me im not crazy cause i really think im getting there. i wish i could just close my eyes and wake up with u lying next to me. holding me the way only u could.i wish i could feel love again. i dont want to be alone. i know i have to but its so hard. but nothing is as hard as lossing u.so ill tak it one step at a time.please be with me give me strenght help me grow into the person we always knew id be.for both of us.i will survive.with or without a man.i am my own person and no one will bring me down again. i deserve someone that loves me unconditioally the way i love them.i deserve that and i will not settle for less.yes i will be alone for know but not for ever and when i die we will be together again.thank u bran i needed that u always knew how to make it better.always &foreveryour
lost/ Babie Girl (Soulmate)
Im lost and alone and only you no where to find me. The way youve always found me in a way that no one else can. who am i where do i find myself why do i do the things that i do. I wasnt like this before kniving lying vindictive. and now im alone look where all of this got me. now all thats left to say is what do i do.but im sick and tired of everyone else deciding whats best for me. Im sick and tired of waiting for some prince to come and save me Ill save my god damn self if it kills me.maybe thats what it is time for for me to be alone. to let go of the dream that i could ever love some one the way i loved you and feel their love in return. Meibe im just ment to be lost a lonely boat lost adrift a sea of misery
Alone lost nowhere to go Hate fear nowhere to go Pain suffering All is fair in love in war. To love to loss to love again Is it all but a game? A lonely miserable game of fools But who are the fools Young lovers once found and now lost Lost again Lost in space Lost in time Lost in loves sweet embrace. If only they were true If only it were real As real as werewolves and the full moon. Only fools say if only and that’s what it brings If only is the wish lain upon lovers lips. A secret kept stolen from the heart always hidden never bare. To feel that love again I would give the moon but would it be real. Oh to love and love again. To love and be love. To be free. To fall full force into thyn arms again To only you The one The one that holds the key
so much lost / Tammie Cope (mother) I have lost my baby. this pain just sits there like a lump in your throat or acid in your chest. It may seem like I'm doing fine but inside I am screaming like hell because there is a big part of me missing. That would be my baby. Sure he was my oldest child but the fact remains he was MY BABY! I miss him with every fiber in me. My heart is broken and I am not sure what to do some days. I feel cheated and some days I feel like I am cheating my other boys out of a whole mom. I do my best but I am different than I was before you left us. I dread so much that I never did before. My boys are my world and I will protect and love what I have but I miss my sonmy baby boy. The one that would make me pull my hair out and then later just be that little teddy bear. I miss you Brandon. When you died I lost a part of me and any hope to see you become this great man you were turning out to be. So much lost.
I always thought you would be a father and that I would get to hold your children in my arms and see you in them. But I was cheated out of that future when your life was cut short. I will never see you babies I will never hold your future and wish them the best. I will never get to see my son be the father he wanted to become. I will not get to see you become this wonderful man you were changing into before you died. That day robbed me of so much hope and happiness. you never going to college and saying how messed up the criminal system is and how you were going to change things always made me believe dream of your future and what a difference you were going to make on this world. How unfair to rob the world of such a talent. I hope you know that your life mattered and you had a purpose.
Brandon I want you to know that you were important and that you did make a statement with your life. You cared for many and did not ask much in return. Such a short life you had but I'm glad you got to live it well. You had a true love before you passed away you got to travel a little you got to be there for others in their time of need you were someone to remember and I hope that when your 10 year reunion comes along that people still think of how you made a difference in their life.
I know Codie is still lost and trying to find his way without you. you were his fav when things went wrong. You and him had a love that was nice to see in brothers.You cared for him and he lost that when you died leaving this hole that he just can't seem to fill. He is angry alot of the time and I know it is not always about what is in front of us. He misses you. We all do.
So much lost when we lost you!
there is this pain inside / Tammie (mother) Inside me there is the aching pain I can not make go away. I feel this anger when I look at others and I see them wasting their lives away."do they not know how good they have it"I wonder to myself Or "why were you taken and not spared and they are here on this earth wasting time and space doing nothing good with it amounting to a hill of beans." I just do not see this great Karmaic plan anymore as I once did. I know that it is a mothers grief. I know that everyone has their life and what they do with it is their choice. But if my son had to die for some great plan to be in prefect order then why is it that some stupid ass kid gets to live his dumb ass life on drugs od-ing and getting away with it and some other ass gets to rape a girl and gets to walk because he has money then why then is it eat my boy gets hit by a freakin' car on a road that hardly sees traffic and the lady does not even say she is sorry? This world has some kind of energy for that to happen. so many great kids died young. Yes a few bad ones go too but you really are not bad when you are really young. there is alway hope for the young.
My aching feelings are coming to the surfacing at home I fear. I think I have to watch myself more when I talk to people. I think I am mad at Warren. I do not mean to be but I am. I do not think he knows how good he has it. I mean he live here wit us and he does not pay rent and he does not go hungry. But when he does something stupid and does not call he will say something like "i'm not dead in a ditch" well how the hell would I know if he were? It pisses me off to no end when he says that. I finally told him and to not say it again. I lost U and that was enough. I can hardly handle him living here without his crap. But I want to see him become something so we deal. Knowing it would we something Brandon would want us to do. Brandon was alway the hero kind of person and liked to save those that needed to be saved even if they need not know that they needed to be saved. Warren wants to be a fireman and want to save people too. Meibe some day he too will be a hero and make Brandon proud. Meibe he will honor our son they way he should be honored. Right now though Warren is a puck ass kid that just seems to not want to grow up. He does not listen and does what he wants to do and then asks for permission later. You would think after living here for a year he would have this right but he does not. I want to kick him out but just do not have the heart. I am angry at him for making such bad choices sometimes and he lives through them when Brandon did not. He comes from a family that just does not give a fuck and here he is at my door step for me to take care of when I do not have my son. Where is the fairness in that?
IMy aching feeling is burning a hole in my sole. I fear I am losing myself a little more as time goes by. I miss my son and I miss myself when I was with him. I loved my son with such a love that I fear that I have lost something in his death. I love my other two boys dearly I do. But with this death of Brandon I ponder in it so. I miss him. When we are happy I sometimes feel a tug and look back to see if he is there and remember he is not. I look into the faces of my other boys and see him there and feel guilty for seeing him there. he was my first child my first look at pure love. He was also my first look at what that pure love could do to hurt you but that is a child for you. Pure love pure joy pure happiness pure fear and then pure dread when he lay their dying and then just pure hate for another human and pure grief when he closed his eyes and stopped breathing. the day I lost my first born son was the day I stopped feeling everything has a reason. I can not find the purpose in the loss in my son. I do not believe it was his time to go!
Peace/ Babie Girl (love) Love I think ive finally reched a state of peace in my life a balance if u will. i dont feel alone anymore ive stopped falling into nothingness and found a reality that i can hold onto a binding love that keeps me hear.at first i was afraid to stop loving u like if i did i was harming the memory of us in some way but know i know that those memories can never be harmed or changed and as long as i live the memory of our love will be in my heart forever. Im leting go of the past and opening my heart to tomorrow and it feels so good. Im in love and its new and exciting i feel vulnerable and weak yet confident and strong at the same time. I want to be with him share my life with him and god willing bring new life into this world. ive given him my heart all that i can give and it feels indescribable. i dont know if i will ever feel they way that i felt with you again or experience the undying passion that we shared with another but thats ok Im ready .Im ready for something new Im ready to jump to dive head first and stop looking back. I knew u would never leave my and to this day i can still feel u near and i see your face in all the things i do. u are my strength my heart my will to survive. my love i know one day we will meet againin a world that is not my own but a place where we can be again. Untill that time comes i am blessed with a man that loves me and that i love unconditionally.Bran my bestfriend my teach my protector Always & Forever
I c u in him / Tammie Cope (mother) I C U N him. I stare at him and worry that sometimes it might be just a little too long. He has grown up in just the last 6 months into this young man. His jaw line has changed, his body has grown and his whole person has morphed. He looks so much like u I have to catch myself from watching him.
I watch him much like I did you. He thinks he is smooth. He is cute. He has that same wide nose you have the same hairy legs, the same funny smile, the same little things that you use to do when you knew you were caught but did not want to say.
missing you / Tammie (mother) This spring has made me think so much of you. It is so bright out there and I think of what you would be doing had you made it through that accident or not had it at all. YOu and Frankie would be making plans for your wedding this summer. A summer wedding how wonderful that would be. You two would be all over the place. Like little bees. Even if you had been hit you would have been broken but your bones would be healed and you would be in healing slowly but you would find a way to get around and maybe trying to walk with crutches by now.
I miss having your voice, you laughter, your way around here. You never notice how much one person means to you until they are not there for a time then it hits you like a brick. I alway knew I loved you but to miss you like this, it is really painful. You are my baby. I know you were my oldest but you were always my baby. We were just that way. You were just a momma's boy. It was cool. I liked taking you to school, helping you with your homework and just talking to you about everything. I think that is why I miss u so much. I miss talking to you. I miss hanging out with you. I miss talking you to school and finding out how your day was and what you did. I even miss fighting with you. Hey it got my blood pumping and when it was over we talked about it. :) We were cool most of the time. I am sorry I tried to teach to to drive..LOL. I am sorry I scared you with the car.I wish we would have had more time. I did have a great last day with you. But damn son I sure do miss the hell out of you. You were only 17 years old and it just is not fair that you left us here. you had such a wonderful thing going on here .
Faith is a bitch. I mean what are the odds on a road that does not get much traffic that you would get hit by a car? I ask why so often it hurts. Why is it that you went to the cabin for medical supplies and hour earlier and were fine? What made you slid out into the road? Why did you not jump off your bike and save yourself? Why did you not go on the trail with Jeremie? Why were you driving so fast? I asked you to be careful because I knew something bad was going to happen that is why I gave you guys my cell phone. Why did you not listen? Why did we not just go to the lake instead of the gravel pit then maybe you would still be here. Why did you have to die? There was a helicopter waiting for you to take you to Anchorage, why could they not get to faster? Why did it all work out the way it did? Why? Why did the lady that hit you not stop off for ice cream or a potty break. Why did she not see you? why did Shadow not break free and run out in front of her instead of you?
(rather my dog than my child) Why/ why? why?
You had so much going for you and it was all just gone in a blink. Just does not seem fair. I just miss you like I am sure most moms miss their children that have passed. They say that life is not fair. NO death is not fair to those that are left to deal with it............
Brandon I miss you greatly and I hope that you are around me even if I am not really feeling it as I should. I always felt we were connected but when you died I lost something and I am not sure what I can so to reconnect. I will never lose you though. You are always in my heart and in my mind. I hear you sometimes but it is faint. I am sure it will get louder as time goes on. I love you my little booman.